An Introvert’s view

“I don’t like parties, because I don’t understand what they’re for.”

I was talking to my friend Jon. Our discussions vary, but the most common tend to be psychological introspection, geo-politics, religion and Star Trek. Lots of Star Trek.

On paper, Jon and I couldn’t be more different. I’m a fat, brown redneck with a penchant for dirty jokes and Chinese food. He’s a tall, white, son of a Preacher, who grew up in sub-Saharan Africa. But in reality, we have similar thought-processes and similar mental illness issues. I find sometimes that talking to him helps me work through problems. We understand each other very well. Jon is one of the smartest, best men I’ve ever known.

And yet I was very confused when he said he didn’t understand the function of parties.

“Well if I have to speak in front of 100 people, I’m fine. I understand what I’m supposed to do. If I’m at a party with other people, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

And then I got it.

We’re introverts.

If you aren’t an introvert, it can be rather confusing. There are a lot of different types and different levels. For instance, there are a lot of extroverts that have a fear of public speaking. Much like Jon, I don’t have that fear. If you came up to me tomorrow night and said “I need you to go up on stage and entertain people in about half an hour.” I would be fine. I know that seems counter-intuitive. But going back to Jon’s comment— I know what I have to do in that scenario. Make a few jokes. Come up with a story. Talk to the crowd. There’s no fear or anxiety because this is not a foreign situation for me.

But at a party? The first thing I’m going to do is find a wall, chair or corner to make myself invisible. Then I’m going to come up with what I consider a reasonable amount of time to stay so people won’t think I’m being rude by leaving too soon.

If I am in a group and there are more than 5 people there, I completely shut down. It doesn’t matter if I know everyone present. I just don’t know how to function in those situations. I don’t know what to say or to do and my anxiety spikes. It isn’t that I don’t want to be around you. I’m just an introvert.

Also— women.

I know how to be me. But I also know that being me does not work with most people. If I’m around someone for a few weeks, I can figure out how much and what version of me is acceptable. This does not really work when I’m trying to talk to strange women. I feel like Vincent D’onofrio in Men in Black. An alien trying awkwardly to fit into a human costume.

“Be confident.”

That’s not how this works. I know I’m weird. I’m well aware. And I know most people don’t know how to react to that, so my anxiety spikes. A fight or flight response is triggered.

I literally don’t understand what I’m supposed to do, in a situation that most people would consider pretty basic.

I had never really thought about it that way. And I thought I would share it.