The 12 Steps of Loving You

Originally posted to Thinkspot on September 28th, 2021

Okay, I admit it. I miss you.

I miss your touch. Your taste. Your scent. Deep in the night, my bed feels like a jigsaw puzzle with the center ripped out.

I'm like an alcoholic. The need to drink is constant. I can feel you underneath my skin. I can hear you whisper in my ear when I drop my guard. Even my subconscious betrays me, finding you in the night and drawing you into my slumber.

I deleted your number- a symbolic act at best. I know it by heart and could call it at any time. I don't. I remind myself that this is the last time. It doesn't get any less difficult though. There are reminders of you everywhere. Pictures, letters... even old journal entries. My mind keeps telling me to burn it all. Cleanse myself of you finally. ...but I suspect then I would just miss your memory.

Your absence tortures me. Yet even in your absence, you won't let me be.

The worst part is that I know this is one-sided. You've shut me out of your mind as easily as you shut me out of your life. Maybe if I knew that you missed me.. that you second guessed your excising me from your life... maybe then I could find some peace with it.

I know that peace will never come.

So I continue. I keep moving forward. Perhaps one day I'll be able to outrun your ghost.

Fuck you. I miss you. I love you. I hate you.

You were the best thing that ever happened to me. You were the worst thing that ever happened to me. And I can't wait for the day when I can honestly say neither of those things are true.

Goodbye, my dear.